What prevents people from expressing their feelings?

To express feelings one needs to feel safe, must be okay with being vulnerable, and have a high level of self-awareness to understand what exactly is going on.

People who haven’t yet been able to develop their self-awareness and self-expression skills find it intimidating to express feelings in spite of being educated and aware of the topic. To help them express, one needs to be aware of what could be hindering them, and what steps can be taken to support them.

Some reasons could be:

Conflict Phobia- They do not want to be the cause of a conflict and therefore withhold their negative feelings. If in the past, expressing feelings caused a conflict, they are likely to avoid it.

Emotional Perfectionism- They may have the impression that negative feelings such as anger, anxiety, fear, etc., is a bad thing. In such a case, they pretend that these feelings don’t exist. They believe that the only emotions that should be displayed are joy, love, peace, etc.

Fear of Disapproval and Rejection- If they faced disapproval or rejection in the past when expressing their feelings, particularly in their formative years, they may have formed the belief that this will always be the case and that they should protect themselves by not showing their real emotions and end up being people pleasers.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior- If by being passive-aggressive has gotten them the results they wanted, they will continue to use this strategy. Although the feelings will not be directly and clearly expressed, they are indicated through body language, facial expressions, giving the silent treatment, or making sarcastic comments.

Hopelessness- They feel that whether they express or not, it won’t make any difference in their reality.

Low Self-Esteem- They feel that their feelings are not important, and that they are not entitled to ask for what they need and express how they feel.

Mind Reading- They think that others should be able to understand how they feel and what they need, even though they have never expressed it. They do not want to appear vulnerable, weak and needy and feel resentful towards those who have not met their needs.

Martyrdom- They have been taught or made to believe that they should “suck it up”, “get over it”, “not make a scene”, etc. The noble choice is to hold your emotions in and not let others know how you’re really feeling, that it is the safer and more prudent option for yourself and/or others. They believe it to be weak to expose how they really feel.

Problem solver- They have a self-perception that they should be the ones to solve problems, not create them. Since expressing negative feelings has the potential to cause a “problem”, they can avoid that at all costs because it doesn’t fit with their self-image and perceived duty.

What we could do to support them

* Make sure to create a safe space

* Don’t shut them down

* Be willing to be open and vulnerable

* Don’t resort to being an authoritarian

* Acknowledge and applaud sincere displays of emotion

* Be aware of and ready to deal with emotional sub-currents

* Try addressing emotions with different methods

* Be sure to relax and have fun